The EVIL Horoscope

[Collette Darden <csdarden@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx>]

Aquarius (Jan20-Feb18)
  You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be pregnant. You make the
same mistake repeatedly because you are stupid. Everyone thinks you're a jerk.
Pisces (Feb19-Mar20)
  You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by
the FBI or the CIA. You have minor influence on your friends and people
resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are generally
a dipshit.
Aries (Mar21-Apr19)
  You are the pioneer type and think most people are dickheads. You are
quick-tempered, impatient and scornful of advice. You are a prick.
Taurus (Apr20-May20)
  You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination to work
like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are
nothing but a damned communist.
Gemini (May21-June20)
  You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you becuase you are
bisexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means
you are a cheap bastard. Geminis are notorious for thriving on incest.
Cancer (June21-July22)
  You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems, which
makes you a sucker.  You are always putting things off. That is why you
will always be on welfare and won't be worth a shit. Everyone in prison is
a Cancer.
Leo (July22-Aug23)
  You consider yourself to be a born leader.  Others think you are an
idiot. Most Leo's are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate honest
critcism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving
motherfuckers and spend most of their time kissing mirrors.
Virgo (Aug24-Sep22)
  You are the logical type and hate disorder. This shitpicking is sickening
to your friends. You're old and unemotional and often fall asleep while
fucking. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.
Libra (Sep23-Oct22)
  You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. If you
are male you are probably queer. Chances for employment and monetary gain
are nil. Most Libra women are whores. All Libras die of venereal disease.
Scorpio (Oct23-Nov22)
  The worst of the lot. You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted.
You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of
ethics. You are a perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpios are murdered. 
Sagittarius (Nov23-Dec21)
  You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely
on luck since you have no talent. The majority of Sagittareans are drunks.
You are not worth the time of day.
Capricorn (Dec22-Jan19)
  You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically a
chickenshit. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. You should
kill yourself.