Martha Stewart's Tips for Rednecks

[Collette Darden <csdarden@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx> (by way of Collette Darden <csdarden@xxxxxxxx>)]

>
>       DINING OUT
>     1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and  pour
> slowly so as not to
>         "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
>     2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers
> covering the label.
>
>     ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
>     1.  A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a
> taxidermist.
>     2.  Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...    no matter how good his
> manners are.
>
>     PERSONAL HYGIENE
>     1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be
> done in private using one's  OWN truck keys.
>     2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days.
> However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
>     3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend
> to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.
>
>     DATING (Outside the Family)
>     1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
>      2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested:   "I've been wanting
> to go out with you since I read  that stuff on the bathroom wall two years
> ago."
>     3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will
> say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is
> the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
>
>     THEATER ETIQUETTE
>     1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and  picked up immediately
> after the movie has ended.
>     2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen.   Tests have proven
> they can't hear you.
>
>     WEDDINGS
>
>     1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
>     2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
>     3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund
> and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
>     4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special
> occasion.
>
>     DRIVING ETIQUETTE
>     1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles;  Even if the gun is
> loaded, and the deer is in sight.
>     2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires
> always has the right of way.
>     3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
>     4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to
> ask her to bring back beer.
>     5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
>     6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
>
>   TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS
>   1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
>   2. Always identify people in your yard before  shooting at them.
>   3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
>   4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
>   5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still
> considered tacky to drive a U-Haul  to the funeral home.