[Jokequeen] Lables

[Collette Darden <csdarden@xxxxxxxxxxx>]

Actual label instructions on consumer products:

1.    On a blanket from Taiwan -
        NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.

2.    On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists -
        REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.

3.    On a Taiwanese shampoo -
        USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.

4.    On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavored milk drink
        AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.

5.    On a New Zealand insect spray -
        THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.

6.    In a US guide to setting up a new computer -
        TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM 
TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING.  (Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the 
box.)
7.    On a Japanese product used to relieve painful hemorrhoids
        LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO THE PROJECTED 
PORTION LIKE A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL DUCT. WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR 
APPROXIMATELY 5 MINUTES, KEEP QUIET.
8.    In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles
        OPEN OTHER END.

9.    On a packet of Sunmaid raisins -
        WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVORITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?

10.   On a Sears hairdryer -
        DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.

11.   On a bag of Fritos -
        YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY.  DETAILS INSIDE.

12.   On a bar of Dial soap -
        DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP.

13.   On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box)-
        DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN.

14.   On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -
        PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING.

15.   On a Korean kitchen knife -
        WARNING KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN.

16.   On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights -
        FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY.

17.   On a Japanese food processor -
        NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE.

18.   On Sainsbury's peanuts -
        WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS.

19.   On an American Airlines packet of nuts
        INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS.

20.   On a Swedish chainsaw -
         DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS.

21.   On a child's superman costume -
        WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY.

22.   On some frozen dinners
        SERVING SUGGESTION DEFROST.

23.   On a hotel provided shower cap in a box
        FITS ONE HEAD.

24.   On packaging for a Rowenta iron
        DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY.

25.   On Boot's "Children's" cough medicine
        DO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY.

26.   On Nytol sleep aid
        WARNING MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS.

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